Way With Words

I love this post on Robert Burns. Wish I was as quick-witted with my speech.

In 1791, riled by a recent review that criticised a supposed abundance of "obscure language" and "imperfect grammar" in his poetry, celebrated Scottish poet Robert Burns channelled his anger and wrote the following magnificent letter to the critic responsible. (Source: The Works of Robert Burns, Volume 4)

Ellisland, 1791.

Dear Sir:

Thou eunuch of language; thou Englishman, who never was south the Tweed; thou servile echo of fashionable barbarisms; thou quack, vending the nostrums of empirical elocution; thou marriage-maker between vowels and consonants, on the Gretna-green of caprice; thou cobler, botching the flimsy socks of bombast oratory; thou blacksmith, hammering the rivets of absurdity; thou butcher, embruing thy hands in the bowels of orthography; thou arch-heretic in pronunciation; thou pitch-pipe of affected emphasis; thou carpenter, mortising the awkward joints of jarring sentences; thou squeaking dissonance of cadence; thou pimp of gender; thou Lyon Herald to silly etymology; thou antipode of grammar; thou executioner of construction; thou brood of the speech-distracting builders of the Tower of Babel; thou lingual confusion worse confounded; thou scape-gallows from the land of syntax; thou scavenger of mood and tense; thou murderous accoucheur of infant learning; thou ignis fatuus, misleading the steps of benighted ignorance; thou pickle-herring in the puppet-show of nonsense; thou faithful recorder of barbarous idiom; thou persecutor of syllabication; thou baleful meteor, foretelling and facilitating the rapid approach of Nox and Erebus.

R.B.

Why I Have ADD

This image captures what I do everyday for work. Now you know why I'm a bit scatterbrained after the day is over. Click the picture to see it in more detail.

Sometimes Calvin Has It Right

Friday Pick Me Up

Blog Analytics

I was going to label this post "Cyber Stalking" but figured that would give off the wrong vibe and impression to all of you who think my life is interesting enough to read about it. So who am I cyber stalking? You of course. Okay not really. Okay yes really, but let me explain.

Since I created my blog, I have had two programs tracking who visits it. It doesn't tell me who you are or where you are specifically located but it is fun for me to guess. Sort of like a puzzle and I use clues like a detective to piece it all together. I thought it would be fun (or nerd like of me) to share what I have learned from all of you. By the way, I am cheap and refuse to pay for detailed information so the programs only keep track of the last thirty days.

Combined, both of the programs will tell me your OS, your browser, location, host name, and referring site. For operating systems, Mac OSX is the preferred choice but I have a few Android, iPhone, and Linux users as well. Vista is at the bottom of the PC operating systems. For some reason, I find that funny.

Firefox and Internet Explorer are the preferred browsers with over half of you choosing those to read my blog and I'm guessing you use those to surf the web too. A few of you, including me, use Chrome with some opting for Safari. I have a growing number of users who access it using their smartphone.

As for locations, the program only tells me cities where your internet provider is located. Though 98% of my readers live in the United States, I do have people in the UK, Germany, Belgium, and Spain that also read my blog. Japan used to pop up but my friend moved back to the states a few months ago.

In all honesty, I have to guess who reads my blog because ISP addresses are hard to trace. But this is where the fun (or the real nerdiness) begins. Since most of your ISP addresses pop up with Comcast, Broadweave, SBC, Qwest, Manti Tele Communications, Broadband Central, and the like, I find myself playing a game similar to Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I did have someone use Virgin Media from the UK the other day and that has sparked my curiosity. When Intel (one of only a few company names that actually pops up) is listed, I can safely guess that was my sister. Others are also pretty easy. Washington, California, Missouri, and Texas are either former roommates or family.

Utah is where it gets tricky. For the most part, I don't know. Two clues help me: your city and your referring site. For example, when Logan pops up I can guess my cousin logged on. Any city in Salt Lake or Utah County does not help me unless you have a referring site. Even my parents' town isn't easy because of extended family and friends of friends. In short, your ISP does nothing for me in figuring out who reads my blog. City and state help but only if you live outside of Utah.

What really makes the game fun is the referring sites. For all of you who bounce off my cousin Mandi's site...Congratulations! Her site is the highest referring site. I finally went and visited it (I use an RSS feed so rarely go to the actual sites) and realized her list of blogs shows when the blogger last updated her site. Since you bounce off her site, I naturally concluded her life is much more interesting than mine! :) Others of you bounce off your own blog, which makes it very easy to identify who you are, while others come from Facebook, Google Reader, or land here directly.

No matter how you get here you need to know two things. First, your identity is completely safe because 90% of the time I have no idea who you are. Second, thanks for being interested enough to share with me all the unexpected adventures in my life.

Ol' Reliable

In the movie Lady and the Tramp, Trusty always mentions his grandpappy Ol' Reliable. He would question all who would listen to his stories: "I don't recollect that I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before?" Unfortunately for Trusty, his audience frequently heard about Ol' Reliable and Trusty would forget his story.

Just like Trusty, many of you have heard about my Ol' Reliable. I bought my first car, a used Honda Accord, almost eight years ago. I was so nervous! My aunt helped me transport the car from the downtown dealership to her place. I took another few days before a friend was able to drive me to my aunt's house so I could drive it to my place in Provo. I didn't dare speed or make any sudden lane changes! I even left my car in my apartment complex's parking lot and continued to drive my parents' car for another week. I know! Lame!

Fortunately, I got over that initial fear. This car has really been my Ol' Reliable. I've commuted for over five years with four of those being at least a 35-40 minute one way drive. Other places I've driven are Las Vegas, Southern California, Idaho, our cabin, Phoenix and back many times, Northern California, and all around the state of Utah. The paint is chipping away, the transmission is rickety, the knobs are loose or coming off, and the odometer reads over 180,000 miles. However, this week my car still managed over 34 mpg! For a car that is 11 years old that is impressive. Here's hoping my Ol' Reliable lasts a few more years.


I couldn't find a picture of my car but felt my blog needed some pictures. This is my favorite freeway sign located outside of Sacramento, California. I think my car could make it. :)

Humorous Santa Story

My sister was forwarded this Christmas story she received as part of a friend's Twelve Days of Christmas. I found it funny and thought all of you who needed a good laugh from the stress of work and life would enjoy it too.

The Christmas Tree

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he want to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had taken all the marshmallows and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cocoa mug and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa! Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angle on top of the Christmas tree.