Freak Out Mode

The past two months I have been working at the Marriott School as a recruiting coordinator. Though this job was "part-time", I have been averaging over 35 hours each week teaching a class, helping a professor with his class, meeting with recruiters, and working one-on-one with students helping them with resumes and mock interviews.

With this new job and other situations (dating), I have become completely overwhelmed with the future. I try to remain calm and patient. But inside, I'm freaking out! Heightened amounts of stress plus uncertainty about the future equals an irrational and very needy me. I'm still working on how to deal with this mode. I recognize it. I understand why I am experiencing this. But I don't know how to get out of it, except keep pushing forward. Keeping trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. Keep hoping that I will get a handle on my stress. Keep praying that somehow the force will become balanced once again. Until then...

Eating Greens is a Special Treat

“‘Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat.’ I made that last part up myself.”

To say I was a picky eater as a child is to say Hawaii is surrounded by a small body of water. I was horrible. I remember sitting at the table after everyone had left, with my food still sitting in front of me, having a battle of wills with my mom. Sometimes she won. Other times she would find my food dumped in the garbage can or down the kitchen sink. Once I even had a debate with my dad over who was going to eat my dinner. He explained to me that it was my food; therefore, it was my responsibility to eat it. I countered that argument with the logical explanation that I was giving him my food, which meant he had no guilt in taking and eating it. Though he smiled and laughed at my sound rebuttal, he didn't bite and I ended up forcing myself to eat whatever it was sitting on my plate.

As a teenager, I realized I needed to venture into uncharted territories. Little by little, I began trying new foods hoping to find a taste that seemed palatable. Recent events have caused me to think upon this adventure. I have had the opportunity to try new foods, not by choice, but because circumstances and decorum deemed it necessary. I realized I have added quite the array of new foods to my list of likes (or food I will eat) the past ten years. You may be shocked to see certain foods on my new list of likes, but remember, as a child, I went to great lengths to avoid eating anything that looked suspiciously healthy. For now I am content with my progress and happy to say that I no longer feel that "greens" are awful stuff to eat.

Not an inclusive list: Strawberries, Avocados, Raspberries, Spinach, Broccoli, Artichokes, Asparagus, Sauteed Mushrooms, Green Beans

Little by Little

Accomplished another milestone today: I ran eight miles! Something I would have thought unimaginable three months ago.

Playlist

What are your favorite songs as you work out? Please post a few of your favorites on the comment board so I can add them to my running playlist.

Finishing the Run

A couple of months ago, I signed up for a half marathon. I wasn't a runner but needed something in life to distract me from the uncertainties that were in front of me. My sister gave me a running schedule to help me transition from a walker to a runner. Through the past two months, I have made some great improvements despite meeting a few obstacles. For example, at the end of May, I became sick for a week. This sickness made it difficult to jump back into my running schedule. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up. I felt like my body was rejecting running.

Yesterday my sister imparted great words of running wisdom. She reminded me that the half marathon was not a race. It was a run. The goal was not to finish first. The goal was to finish. During a half marathon, people need to stop and stretch their muscles, drink to replenish nutrients lost, take a bathroom break, and so forth. Each runner has different needs and how I run and what I need during a run will be different than the person next to me.

As I reflected on those words last night, I found myself running with more consistency and with less grumbling. I started focusing on the goal of finishing the run and stopped worrying about the time it was taking. When I wanted to stop and walk, I realized I could give myself a moment's rest (I walked only half a block) then continued forward.

With this new mental attitude and focus, I ran 3 miles. I have never done that. I have always given up or just walked or let my body tell me what to do or some other lame excuse. This week my running schedule has me pushing myself even more. I can do this. I can finish this half marathon. Why? Because it isn't about finishing first or finishing with an amazing time or finishing with glory, laud, and honor. It is only about finishing and I can do that.

Many times in life, we act like we are running a race. We compare ourselves to our neighbors and friends and question why we aren't more like them. We criticize ourselves when we don't measure up to the expectations we placed on us. We allow negative thoughts to creep in our minds and metaphorically believe we can't finish the race so give up. The truth we need to train our minds is this: life isn't a race. It is a run. Each of us can finish. We finish with different paces. We finish with different needs along the way. We finish after taking time to nourish and replenish our souls. But we all can finish.

I Have Finished My Course

Grams built a house next door to my parents about ten years ago. The traffic and chaos of Southern California were starting to wear on her nerves and she wanted to be close to my dad who could take care of any medical problems that arose. She had a cute house that was nestled neatly at the edge of our cul-de-sac. Though it replaced a much loved game field, I enjoyed having her nearby.

Grams moved into a care facility two years ago. She had hired a lady to help in the evenings at her home but that lady had a heart attack and my parents were going to Denmark the next day. A quick solution for the situation, since Grams couldn't be alone, was a care facility. When my parents came home, we all realized this was the better place for Grams even though we enjoyed having her next door. Gratefully, a place was built nearby and she was a quick five minute drive from my parents' front door.

As it became more clear that Grams would never return to her house, my dad, aunt, and uncles began organizing her things. Long story short, my parents became owners of Grams' house. A few weeks ago they were approached about renting it to a new doctor coming to town and my parents agreed. Since my parents were taking off for Europe (they seem to do that often), my mom asked me to pack up Grams' things in preparation for the renters. This way the rooms and cupboards would be cleaned out when my mom returned from her trip and could quickly get it ready.

As you all know, Grams passed away before my parents returned from Europe. Packing up her house was no longer in preparation for the renters. It became a walk through Grams' life as I began organizing the trinkets and memories of the past. To be honest, I started with the easiest room: the washroom. Nothing sentimental in cleaners. But then came the harder rooms. I found little dishes that ignited remembrances of long forgotten events, music collections published in the 1930s, certificates honoring her for her service at the local prison and welcoming her as a member of the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers, pictures of all her grandchildren, pictures of Gramps, and other hand written pieces written to her and by her.

Some of the most cherished pieces actually came when I cleaned out her book collection. A testimony about the divinity of the Savior from my cousin Morgan was being used as a bookmark. Her scripture marker was in Alma 34 - a memorable chapter in our family (Gramps license plate one read Alma 34). Notes from Gramps as he read the Book of Mormon. Old books including one which was published in 1891 and had my great-great grandmother's name in it.

As I sit in her house and sort her things, I realize what an incredible life she lived. She lived through the Great Depression, World War II, the rise of Communism, the first man on the moon, the fall of Communism, the rapid rise of the internet (she even had her own email account for a while), and the development of mass communication in all its forms. I found a copy of telegram from Gramps to Grams letting her know what time he would call that week. Now I can text a friend with little hassle. Grams lived a great life with many details unknown to the world. She wasn't boastful nor sought the praise of the world. She served the Lord in many ways. In her sixties she learned Spanish and served two LDS missions: Mexico and Argentina. Her life was of quite service to others.

One of my special memories of Grams was the first time I went through the temple. That day was important in many regards, but I remembering waiting for the matron to come speak with me before the session and Grams slipped in the room and sat with me. Mom was on one side. Grams was on the other. She missed being part of many others' experiences so wanted to be right with me the whole time. How grateful I was for her gumption and determination to be there.

Grams' possessions may be packed up and stored for a period of time, her posterity may take items to remember her, and other items may be donated to those less fortunate; however, Grams will not be remembered for her things. She will live on as we recount her stories, her life, and her wisdom. Her legacy will live on in all those whose lives she touched. Already miss you Grams!

Happily Ever After Part II

My beautiful and amazing Grandma passed away last night. She was a woman of faith and an example to all. I love my Grandma and am filled with peace as I think about her joyous reunion with my Grandpa. The knowledge of eternal families truly is a tender mercy and blessing from the Lord. How grateful I am for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ which has allowed us to be sealed together as families in His holy temples. Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

From 2 Timothy 4:7-8:
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

Happily Ever After

My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this past weekend. They celebrated like most retirees by jetting off to Europe for two weeks. Part of the time they will spend in Switzerland where my dad served his LDS mission and where my parents lived for nine months in the first few years of their marriage. The other time they are traveling Prague and Budapest with three of my sisters who are having their own adventures this week.

My parents are a great example to me. My dad always greets my mom with a kiss and hug when he comes home from work. When we are watching a movie, my parents still hold hands. It's really cute! They are always thinking of the other person and their kids. My parents have sacrificed so much for us: weekly piano lessons; sports camps; music trips; school activities; driving us around everywhere; giving of their time, talents, and energy.

I have favorite memories of both my parents. My dad would sing to us or recite scriptures as we were falling asleep. He was often busy and this was his time with us. He taught us the constellations, brought us hiking in National Parks and surfing in the oceans of California, and testified of the gospel of Jesus Christ. My mom was superwoman. She got eight kids off to school each day and helped us get everything done at night. She taught me discipline which has helped me throughout my life. She would drive us to Provo in the morning then to St. George in the afternoon. Yes. That really did happen. She has let me cry on her should many, many times and never complained and always comforted. Her daily actions reflect the attributes of a disciple of Christ.

My parents are amazing people and I hope they have enjoyed their "Happily Ever After" the past 40 years.

Merry Old Month of May

I could list a whole lot of reasons why I haven't blogged recently, but truthfully it really is sheer laziness. To those few readers who like to know what is going on in my life here is my May recap:

• Traveled to California. Visited family. Slept. Relaxed. Vented frustrations.
• Signed up for a half marathon. Started running. Wanted to quit running. Still running.
• Helped a friend who got sick. Raging ear infection. Ears swollen. No hearing. High fever. Not fun.
• Still job searching. No luck yet. Still frustrated on that front.
• Cleaning life. Organizing boxes. De-junking. Very therapeutic.
• Sister is engaged. Excited for her. November wedding. Beautiful dress.
• Planning life. Still figuring it out. Hoping for the best.

Graduation Day

I graduated from MBA school last week. Lots of pictures were taken. Speakers were great! The Deseret News randomly chose me to interview and I ended up being the lead in the story. Here are some pictures commemorating the event:

MBA Golf Day

Last week I participated in the BYU MBA golf day. Some of you may be thinking, "You golf?" Yes and no. My brother taught me some golf techniques before he left on his LDS mission. I am quite handy with a pitching wedge and nine iron. Those were the two clubs that let me practice hitting back and forth across the field near our house without the ball going over the fence or hitting another house. But, I am digressing in the story.

People in the program signed up on teams of four. I realized my golf skills were far below amateur so didn't even bother looking for a team. Then I realized that each team could have a caddie. I found a team with my friends and asked to be their caddie. Basically my job was to move the golf cart and grab clubs as needed. Though I didn't golf, I had a really great time. We all laughed and joked throughout the day. Though our team didn't have the best score, we probably had the best time. I am going to miss all my friends. I've spent everyday for two school years with these people. It's going to be quite a shock next week after graduation when I no longer am in daily contact with them. I am grateful I took a leap of faith and applied for MBA school.

Kate and I at Sleepy Ridge Golf Course

Ghetto Skiing

Back in January, I went skiing with my brother Paul, his wife Ashley, and their friends Mark and Amy. We didn't go to a ski resort. We went to a place near my parents' cabin. The road and landscape are such that you you can shuttle people up to the top of the slope. We rotate driving which makes for a great day. Though I call it ghetto skiing it really is cheap and fun! As you can see from the picture, we aren't the only ones who enjoy this little known ski run. I brought a few friends up to this spot a few weeks later and they too were convinced of the greatness of ghetto skiing. Unfortunately I don't have pictures of that trip. With school coming to a close, maybe I can get one more trip in before the snow melts.

Happy Easter!

Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. He suffered for our sins in Gethsemane and died on the cross that we may be resurrected and return to live with Him. We live in a day where His gospel is on the earth, where we are led by His prophet, and where we may receive revelation just like in the days of the Old and New Testament. May we all have a renewed determination to know and to serve our Savior and to live as He would have us live. I love you all!

Not an April's Fools Joke

My classmates and I convinced one of my teachers to change the final from an individual case write-up to a one page bullet point paper and class discussion. Only one final! Happy day!

March Madness

March really has been a crazy month. Even though I am only taking 12.5 credits, I have been incredibly busy. Now that it is the end of March I realize that classes end in two weeks. I have two Heaton cases, one paper to write, one book to read, four readings, and two finals left until graduation. I turned down a job today because I didn't feel it was the right position for me. I have no other concrete leads but many hoped for opportunities which would allow me to experience another adventure in another state. To be honest, I would be okay not working until August. I'm not that lazy but have too many fun vacations in the works: Sacramento, Yosemite, DC, Civil War sites, Huntington Beach, hikes in Utah, Lake Powell, visits to friends, and more. Right now my life is full of uncertainties. I have no idea what is around the corner, but that is what makes it so exciting. Bring on Summer!

Tender Mercies

We all have times in our life when we hit a wall and just don't know how to keep going. That is me right now. I'm exhausted with all that has happened the past two years of MBA school. Everything from accounting and finance classes to dating to internships to being engaged to breaking off the engagement to finding a job to getting sick week after week to planning my life. I'm worn out. The past few days I had given up. I skipped a group meeting and watched basketball with a friend and took a nap instead. I let important things slip like reading my scriptures. (This one really is brilliant. I bought a nice set of leather scriptures since my cheap set was quite worn and even had a bout with a paper shredder. My problem was (yes I know this is lame) I wanted to mark my new set but with the "right" colors and pencils and pens with the "right" topics. I hadn't found exactly what I wanted so I put it off day after day.) My actions definitely were not consistent with my values and beliefs.

Today a rebuke came in the form of tender mercies. I woke up not wanting to go to my ward. It wasn't church I was avoiding. Just my ward. I decided to go to stake conference in Gunnison. I walked in and saw my dad who lit up at the sight of me. I needed to see that love. The talks that were given all hit questions that were in my mind. One particular point was the powerful affect of women in the lives of others. Each speaker seemed to say something about the importance of women. I felt very distinctly the need to make a few course corrections to make sure I am a woman of influence, a woman of virtue, a woman of faith. I need to make sure I am lifting and building others and to make sure that the light of Christ is reflected in my countenance. Another point was the power of forgiveness in all its forms. I have made some choices in my life that many attribute as irrational. They don't understand why I have made these choices. The Lord knows and I felt overwhelming peace when reflecting on those decisions. One final tender mercy was the visiting authority. At the last moment the schedule changed and Elder Spencer J. Condie of the Seventy came instead of another member of the Seventy. I connected with a talk he gave years ago. Seeing and hearing him speak today reminded me that God knows me and God does remember his promises. I spoke with Elder Condie after the conference and once again, I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace from the Spirit of the Lord.

This morning I awoke with a weight on my heart and dread in my soul. This evening I feel hope in the future. Hope in the power of repentance. Hope in the miracle of forgiveness and the atonement. Hope in the knowledge that the Lord knows and remembers me. The Lord knew I needed to be in Gunnison today and when I wake up tomorrow, my resolve is to punch through that wall or climb over it or blast it to pieces or something. I won't let the uncertainties of life defeat me. I won't let the easiness of the way slow my pace. I won't let the stumbling blocks trip me. I will persevere because I have the help of the Lord.

PS - I pulled out the old, beat-up Book of Mormon a few days ago. I testify that reading the Book of Mormon daily gives us power to do all things.

Modern Medicine

Relief is in sight! With almost 48 hours worth of antibiotics, my ear is starting to feel better. I'm not so ornery anymore. Hallelujah!

Things of the Past

One thing I dealt with as a child were constant ear infections, tonsillitis, and strep throat. I remember being sick often. Once the tonsils were removed and tubes put in my ears, I had a much healthier life. I was still paranoid if my throat or ears ever hurt but gratefully I haven't been plagued with these issues since the two surgeries I had as a child.

Unfortunately my weary body succumbed. Somehow I developed an ear infection in my left ear. It makes my head hurt. All I want to do is sleep. I am disappointed when I wake up and isn't any better. I had forgotten how aggravating an ear infection can be to living life. To you parents whose kids suffer, be patient. Ear infections are not fun for us either.

Sometimes It IS All About Me

My life has been one crazy, hectic mess since January. Needless to say, I was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, academically, etc. So last week I imposed a break from school. I needed time for me. Time to relax, laugh, sleep, and enjoy life. Since the first block was over, I had one less class. Plus one of my other classes was canceled on Wednesday, another had only one case prep for the week, and I was released from the RS presidency the previous Sunday. So, I knew I would have some extra time for my unofficial Spring Break. I still made sure I was prepared with assignments, but I skimmed readings instead of thoroughly reading them. Okay one day I just skipped reading altogether. I figured at least I still went to class.

Here are some of the things I did to enjoy myself this past week:
* Cataloged my food storage so I knew what I owned. I hated going to the store and buying more of what I already owned. For example, I own 4 Costco sizes of peanut butter and I don't like peanut butter sandwiches.
* Bought off white church shoes. I have two cute skirts that I love wearing but have never liked my shoe options. I finally found a pair I liked!
* Used some Christmas gift cards. I now own cake pans.
* Bought and kept (yes this is a miracle) clothes from Ann Taylor Loft. Yay for new clothes!!
* Went bowling with my friends Erin and Julina. Our goal was to see who could get the highest MPH with the bowling ball. Erin won with 21 MPH. However, I did get the highest bowling score. :)
* Cleaned my room! I washed my sheets, rotated my mattress, organized and filed the piles of papers and souvenirs that were building up in my room, vacuumed, and reorganized some furniture. My room finally feels happy again.
* Invited friends over for fondue. I love fondue! We had a cheese fondue and a chocolate fondue. Yummy!
* Slept 7-9 hours a night. My poor body sure needed the rest.

Though this week is going to be another busy week, last week gave me enough of a boost to help me endure. Plus, I am going to Brian Regan which is going to be amazing!

I am officially done with my MBAA position on the Executive Council. My successor has been elected and it is time for me to pass the torch over to her. Slowly but surely my MBA time is coming to a close. I have loved being in school again and am excited to see where I am headed next, but truthfully what I really want is a week in Hawaii just to relax before starting the real world again.

Edward vs. Edward

Most women and girls right now have a fetish for Edward Cullen from the Twilight series. He may be dark and broodish with carefully disheveled hair, chiseled cheekbones, and glowing eyes but he lacks appeal. His controlling, overacting personality is quite annoying. He whines, complains, manipulates, and his overprotecting nature only makes his relationship with Bella even more frustrating to read or watch. Frankly it diminishes his physical charm and ability to captivate my attention.

Compare that with Edward Ferrars from Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. At first glance he isn't strikingly handsome and his manners are described only as pleasing. However, looking past that natural shyness, he has a kind, affectionate, and loyal heart. He is willing to sacrifice his own personal happiness with the woman he loves to honor his promise to another. Only until he is truly free to declare his love does he ask Elinor to marry him. No manipulation. No possessive antics. Honest, true love. He may not be an Edward Cullen or a Willoughby physically but Edward Ferrars' strong moral character rivals that of these "sexy" men, which makes him that much more physically attractive, that much more intriguing, and far more fascinating. Give me an Edward Ferrars over an Edward Cullen any day.