Moment of Clarity

Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel appreciated...sort of, feel like an equal partner...some of the time, feel like nothing gets better than this...maybe? You've gotten comfortable. You know how to play the game. It's working...and yet it's not. That is my current work situation. Much like a dating relationship that's good but still lacking in key elements. You've given it a good nine months of honestly trying. Working hard. Giving all you have. Investing all of your time. Then one day you have a moment of clarity and you realize the other person in the relationship doesn't care one bit if you stay or go. Their words say stay, but their actions show ambivalence. So you start dating other companies. And opportunities fly out of nowhere, well obviously somewhere because you applied for them. Others want you and are willing to double your salary just to have you work for them. All of the sudden your current company starts to look like the lame "sit-on-the-couch and whine-about-life" kind of boyfriend. What you loved about the relationship in the beginning no longer exists. You know the realities of the "cool" guy/company that everyone thinks they want to date/join. Walking away becomes easier the more interviews you have. All of the sudden you remember what it's like to be chased. And even though you know your current relationship could get you fame, recognition, notoriety, you realize those things have never been that important to you. So welcome the first dates/interviews. Embrace the new opportunities. Don't let what feels "good enough" to you and what looks like the "perfect" relationship to the world stop you from finding something that matters so much more.

Freak Out Mode

Yes. That's me right now. I have a second round interview this afternoon and a first round coming up with the possibility of a third. I keep questioning why I want to leave my current job because I do enjoy what I do. Then I remember that worldly notoriety is not what I'm seeking. What I value more is my relationships with friends and family and my current work situation is not really allowing for that. Basically, I've been asked to limit my vacation time and to check in when I'm on vacation. That means I haven't had a real work-free vacation since July. I'm tired. So new job. But these new jobs are on the other side of the country. And I could really do them. And that's a lot of change. And I'm freaking out a bit that this could really be happening.

A Day/Week in the Life of Me...

Here is my schedule for the week. Sometimes my life seems glamorous to others and sometimes I agree. :)

• Sunday: Dinner with aunt, bring dinner to friend, girls night/sleepover with a different friend
• Monday: Work until 3:30pm, drive home and pack, drive to Deer Valley for a customer conference (I'm the customer and the other company is paying), dinner in Park City
• Tuesday: Breakfast at Deer Valley, morning session of conference, skiing at Deer Valley, dinner in Park City 
• Wednesday: Breakfast at Deer Valley, morning session of conference, snowmobiling in Park City, dinner in Park City
• Thursday: Drive to work from Park City, work a full day, do laundry
• Friday: Pack again, go to work, leave work at 3pm, drive to airport, fly to Orlando
• Saturday: Play at Universal Florida with my sisters, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew
• Sunday: Church and walk along the Florida coast
• Monday: Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld
• Tuesday: Early morning flight home, work, then teach class at BYU

Moving Right Along

Right at the time I was offered the job in California, my roommate and I found the perfect place for us. We'd been looking for a new apartment/townhome for six months but could never find anything that fit both our needs. My roommate's must haves were covered parking, her own bathroom, and plenty of storage. I had to have a room big enough for my bed and desk, washer and dryer included, an open kitchen (I hate cooking in a cramped space), plenty of storage, and a flexible lease. The townhome we found had all we could want: washer and dryer, two bedrooms with attached bathrooms, a half bath on the main, an open kitchen, plenty of storage, a two car garage, and a month-to-month lease. Plus it was exactly in our price range (not even hitting the upper bound).

The whirlwind emotions I felt when we found this place overwhelmed me. We knew we had to snatch up this new place quickly if we wanted it and I had to figure out what to do with this job offer. I'm a believer that you have to make a decision and then ask the Lord if it's right before you get an answer. So, I stewed for a day or so and decided that I didn't want the job and I wanted to move even if it was only for a few months. I felt good about the decision and moved forward with it. It was difficult to move because we got the keys the day after I returned from Mexico and I was still sick with a cold. Gratefully my nieces and nephews, my aunt, and my brother-in-law all pitched in and helped me.

I love my new place! I've spent the past week unpacking boxes and organizing everything. Some of these things I haven't seen for over a year as they've sat packed in storage. All my kitchen stuff is included in that list. It was like Christmas day when I unpacked these things. My roommate laughed every time I said something like "I forgot I had this!" "Look! I own a toaster! I forgot I owned a toaster!" "Hey! Here's my aebleskiver pan!" etc., etc. Things aren't entirely perfect yet. We still have a few pictures to hang and boxes to unpack, but for the most part my new place is all put together. I really love having my own place.

View from my bedroom. I have a balcony!

My bedroom—vaulted ceilings & ceiling fan

Another bedroom angle

Walk-in closet

Spacious bathroom

Main room - You can see the front door off to the right.
I love the bay window!

The kitchen

Another kitchen view

What's New with You?

I've been in a rut lately. Not the "woe is me and isn't my life miserable" kind of place. More of the "life is good and I'm happy but I feel like I'm missing something" type.

Last July, I started looking for a new job. In September I had a job interview in the Bay Area and decided the job wasn't for me, but kept praying for some type of direction of the "what next" in my life. I had the impression to start traveling to the Bay Area for a social life. I had met some great people that let me stay with them and was able to go out once in October and twice in November. I loved it! I was making some great friends and starting to fill that void in my life. Plus I was able to be the answer to others' prayers.

Then another job opportunity popped up in December. The company was a startup in the Bay Area and seemed like a great option. I flew out for an interview and spent the weekend playing with friends. But I realized quickly this job wasn't for me. It started out being just social media, then marketing automation was added, and after the interview, my potential boss included managing and producing all their webinars. I felt like I was taking a step back to last summer when worked consumed every aspect of my life. So after long thought and fasting and prayer, I turned down the job.

In the midst of all of this, I've also been dating. Not the "dating" that my sisters and cousins joke about, but more like the "I'm dating and it comes with snacks" (Grey's Anatomy quote). I've had more dates traveling to California the past few months than I had here in Utah the past year. Life really has been good and I've grown a lot the past few months. But once again, a few kinks developed.

I realized traveling to the Bay Area was fun but not a lasting plan. Something had to change. I either needed to move there or come up with a more permanent solution. All of this happened at the same time I felt turning down the job was the better plan for me. I've been pondering on my life and seeking answers to my questions to figure out what that should be. In November, I fasted for direction and the response that came was I didn't need to know yet. Just keep taking one step at a time. Recently, I received a similar response: multiple answers will be needed along the way and each detail will come as needed.

Today I decided that I've been too narrow in my scope and too timid in my ambitions. My friends are willing to move permanently to Japan, take a job in remote area in Georgia, and buy a place in Boston without any idea of their futures. I'm still living timidly. To do and be more, I need to be willing to take a leap of faith. So, my job search has expanded drastically to cities across the country. I have no idea what's in store on the dating front because I feel like I'm at a dead end, but I know I have to trust the Lord in this.

As I said in the beginning, I'm not miserable. I'm very happy and blessed in my life. I'm just feeling that something more needs to happen and I'm trying to figure out what that "more" is for me. I'm planning on keeping you who read this updated because I have a feeling, it's going to be an incredible journey with lots of bumps, bruises, and excitement along the way. And with all that emotion, I need to know my family and friends are there with me.

Google Knows Everything...That I Tell It

Game Changing Woman

I read. A lot. Not books — and I should change that — but short articles from lots of different sites: Read Write Web, Big Think, Eloqua Blog, 85 Broads, etc.

The “founding members” of 85 Broads were women who worked for Goldman Sachs at 85 Broad Street in New York City. It now includes women from all over the world. Recently, they posted an article that really captures the power women have to make a difference. To all you women who read my blog, remember this when you're feeling down. To all you men, you're probably married to a game changing woman. Make sure you let her know that.

We’ve been getting this question fairly often lately. “What makes a woman a game changer?” In order to describe it more deeply than “Well, you know, she’s awesome.” We came up with a few ideas:

She has swagger. She is love. She can run four blocks in heels. She can run a marathon. She can swim bike run and/or play a musical instrument and/or change a tire all on her own. She’s independent. She’s warm. If she’s a mother/wife/girlfriend, it is to someone that she chose. Not because she needs a partner, but because they make her more herself. She laughs with her whole self. She breathes. Slowly. Sometimes to take it all in. Sometimes to keep from blowing up. She is courageous and fiery and ferocious if need be. She kisses boo boos. She can parallel park like a champion. She has an invisible crown, halo, superhero cape and magic wand. She takes the good with the bad. She goes after everything she wants in life. Without guilt. She leaves it all on the field. She gives it everything she has. She fails. She succeeds. Most importantly, she tries. She’s in the game. Not on the sidelines. She revels in quiet, calm stillness. She makes sure she is heard when she has something to say. She can be afraid, but respects fear and moves forward anyways. She makes babies. She makes money. She makes up her own mind about when and where and with whom to do both. She is joy, happiness, determination and perseverance all rolled into one. She is any and all of the above. She knows herself, loves herself and above all, she is always herself. She’s a game changer.

Completely Agree

I like December :)

They weren't the first but pretty darn close.

Eyes of a Child

Obviously I didn't continue my days of gratitude for November. Oh well. Not going back.

I realized that I've been missing out on something I love doing: writing and telling stories. My blog is the best place to do that because I don't want to be over-sharing on Facebook and for the most part, I know who reads my blog. So I'm trying to re-dedicate time to something I love and that is important to me.

Story time...

My sister and brother-in-law brought their kids to Disneyland and the beach for Thanksgiving. Yesterday my nephew shared with me their adventure and I got a kick out of his comments. In describing where they stayed he exclaimed, "It was a real hotel. Like a ho-ho-hotel. Not just a motel, but a hotel. It was like 10 stories high! And the breakfast buffet was so good. It had everything...like bacon!"

I just cracked up laughing. I guess we regularly stay in 2 story motels and the thought of having to ride the elevator to his room was a new experience. And what made the breakfast good to him was having bacon. Ah, the joys of an eight-year-old. Two days at Disneyland, a day at the beach, and bacon. But I have a hard time disagreeing with him. What's not to like?

A montage of pics from their beach trip

It's that time of year again, where I focus on the things I am grateful for. For all of you who have been looking for updates the past couple of months, you can count on them coming the next few weeks.

I am extremely grateful for my friends. The first of October I was in New York and Boston for work. While in New York, I met up with my MBA friends Ann Marie and Mathew; in Boston, Emily and I hit the town. My MBA friends are the best. Seriously.

Shake Shack in New York

Giacomo's in Boston

My good friend Mel had just moved Rhode Island. I decided to take a couple of days off since I was out there, and she and I were able to find a time to meet for the day. I had a blast spending the day with her and her family. No matter where she has lived, I've always been welcomed at her house. Kind, caring, and fun. Always a good time when I'm with Mel.

Cute girls in Rhode Island!

Peace of the Spirit

I've been struggling lately with a very difficult decision. I actually don't have to make this decision right now. But on Friday, a significant change could take place in my life and if that happens, I'm not sure what to choose. I wake up with a heavy heart, confused and uncertain. One moment of the day I hope to keep things as they are. Another moment, I'm ready to move two states away for a new adventure. Both appeal to me. Both will have great rewards. Both make me doubt what is best for me.

Today as I was sitting at work, peace finally flooded my soul. Oh what joy comes from feeling the Holy Ghost. What a miraculous and precious gift! A light in times of darkness. How I've craved the sweet spirit that I have felt the past hour.

I have no idea what will happen. No idea the end result. But I know the Lord is acutely aware of my needs and my struggle. All will be well. Thanks to all for your prayers. They have been a great source of strength.

(Rest of the story: I have a job interview that has gone from application, to first and second interviews, to a fly back in a matter of one week. If I get an offer, I have to choose between a job I really enjoy in a place I'm not too keen on right now and a job that could be good in a place that I've tried to move to for six years. Have no clue what to do if I get an offer.)

I'm Dizzy from the Ride

I've said it before. It's the unexpected that changes our lives. That seems to be a theme for me, but for once it would be nice to have expected things happen. None of this random out of the blue job interview right when things have finally gotten normal. None of this someone could be interested now but isn't doing a thing about it. None of this "Let's take you for a fun ride before something good comes." Can something come that isn't such a whirlwind? I guess if it's my life, the answer is no. Yes. This one is cryptic. Can't explain anything more right now. Need to go to bed. Heading out for the weekend and unfortunately I know craziness is going to ensue. Please pray that I will remain sane and that the Lord will guide me to do what I need to do and say what I need to say.

Bad Habit

I think we all have habits that we don't like. My problem is one of my worst habits doesn't bother me. I stay up late. Too late. Especially to get to work the next morning. I'm a night owl and find the evening cathartic. Everyone else is asleep and I can let my mind wonder as I do the most random things: cleaning my room, doing laundry, reading a book, catching up on my blog. Some of my favorite conversations have happened late at night. Just the two (or three or four) of us sitting under the night sky and talking about our life adventures.

It's almost midnight now and though I need to get some sleep (the 30 minute nap during sacrament meeting won't compensate for a few hours tonight), I don't want to. I want to reminisce about good times with friends and family: laughing under the night sky with my sister as her boyfriend sat quietly wondering what the two of us were giggling about; relaxing on a park bench with a dear friend talking about our hopes for the future and being reminded how much I miss him even though it's been six years since the accident; talking near the base of a mountain with the most unexpected; thinking about spiritual impressions and current events and what that means for my future; remembering the pure innocence of childhood and how much fun I had growing up.

Life is interesting isn't it? It's made up of all these different puzzle pieces that may not mean much when looked at individually, but when placed together the world becomes alive and your understanding of what has happened in the past only excites you for the future. I'm incredibly happy right now. No cryptic message or hidden meaning here. Just sitting in my front room reflecting on all the good things the Lord has brought my way.

How I Would Like to Live My Life

Family Fun

Zion National Park feels like my backyard. We went often as a family (along with Bryce Canyon and Capital Reef) since it was so close to where I grew up. I love Zions. And I love my family. This summer I got both. For our annual reunion, we all met up in St. George (minus my sister-in-law who was in school and my niece who had a "not mandatory but highly recommended" soccer camp). We had such a great time hiking, playing at the pool, watching Aladdin at Tuacahn, and working just being together. 

I did have to work a bit each day, and I managed that by getting up at 6am each morning to be ready to leave by 9am for family time and working from 10pm-1am each night. It was an exhausting schedule, and one that made me resent my job the past few months, but it was the only way I could do what needed to be done and still spend time with my family. (The reason I had to work that week was the director of marketing gave his two weeks notice before my vacation and left that was his last week. A lot of his responsibilities fell on me.)

Here are pictures highlighting the fun hikes and family time:

I'm back...

well sort of. I realized the last post I wrote was in August and it was kind of depressing. Not me at all. I'm happy to report that the optimistic, full of hope me is back. I think (I hope). I have so much I need to record, but all of my pictures are on my other computer and the battery is dead. I really should start bringing my power cord home if I'm going to use my work computer to play games and stuff. Anyway, I'm off topic. Updates will begin this weekend when I will not be working. Yes. I finally figured out this whole "I have a million things to do for work and can never do them all."

How did I solve this problem? Easy. I crossed off all the things on my list that were never going to happen, and when someone asked if he could help, gave him something that still needed to get done. Next, I talked with my boss about key issues that were bothering me. That wasn't easy. It required a lot of humility on my part to admit I couldn't do everything. She was more supportive than I anticipated. Now the biggest issue still isn't resolved, but both she and I are working on it. Hoping for something good soon. I also decided that if I worked two 12-hour days each week, I could have my weekends. That may seem horrible, but it's made a difference for me. I get a lot done when everyone leaves the office, and I can focus on meetings and group projects when everyone is there. The biggest change I made was shifting my attitude. I realized I could whine and complain about a situation or I could approach each day with a renewed optimism and a determination not to let things bother me. Easier said than done. But it's made a world of difference. I feel a bit more like Nephi "Nevertheless I went forth" than Laman and Lemuel "Grumble in the morning; grumble at night..." I feel more like myself AND I'm loving my job again.

Good things are coming from this change in me and at work. First, I'm taking next Friday off for a weekend in California and a couple of days in October while traveling for work in Boston. Really excited about that one. Yay for being able to go on vacation! Second, working late has given me more interactions with my CEO. Tuesday night I was working late and as he was heading out the door with a group to go to dinner, he shouted out to me that I was invited too. Well, the CEO invited me to dinner. I wasn't going to pass that up. What a great evening! Had so much fun with the CEO, a couple of other execs, and co-workers. New mantra: When the CEO invites you to dinner, drop everything and go. Totally worth it! Third, I'm loving my church calling and the girls. I'm the Laurel adviser. What a fun calling! The girls and I have decided that every 2nd Sunday is treat night at my place. These girls bring such joy into my life. They know I'm busy with work and experienced it the other night when I logged onto the internet at the church building to email something before a deadline and before we took off for the activity. They laughed with me about that, but also understood me a bit more which helped them open up about themselves.

So life is good. Still many bumps. But I'm handling things much better now. More updates on the fun adventures of me coming soon.

He Hears Me

Today I had the sweetest experience. I attended the wedding of a good friend and was overcome with emotion when the sealer walked into the room. Years ago, this sealer Elder Dennis E. Simmons gave a talk titled "But If Not..." in general conference and it has become my foundation for life, especially when I'm approaching a difficult decision or being bombarded with adversity.

I've been so busy with work lately. Since my boss left in June, I average 10-12 hour work days. I usually work late on Friday evenings and most Saturdays. I struggle to not work on Sunday because I have a meeting first thing Monday morning, my new boss wants the presentation Sunday evenings (she isn't LDS) to review, and I usually don't get the numbers I need from people until Saturday evening if not Sunday morning. On Wednesday at 5:30, a bunch of assignments were piled on my plate even though I had already scheduled to have Thursday and Friday off. So, I worked until 1am until I was too tired to think, then got up the next day and worked another four hours, barely having enough time to help my parents which is why I took the time off in the first place. I worked everyday of my family's yearly vacation; my brother invited me to California with his family at the end of July and I felt I could only take two days off if I wanted a real vacation; and today I received a notice from my boss telling me I couldn't take any more time off until I had two people trained on our marketing automation system (something I've spent more than 100+ hours learning) because a catastrophe happened today and I wasn't around to fix it. And if I'm honest in this confession, the person who emailed the rant about not having a backup for me could have fixed the problem if he'd have looked at the situation more closely. No worries though. I solved the problem even though I had taken today off to be at my friend's wedding.

So when the sealer started with saying, "It's good to be in the temple today..." I began to cry. It was so good to be in the temple, to feel the peace of the Spirit without being bogged down by worldly cares. He continued reminding us that the world would have us pursue wealth but the Lord reminds we should only seek that which is sufficient for our needs. I realized that so much of my time and decisions center around something that is fourth or fifth on my priority list. I've been praying the past few months to know what to do and how to change my situation. I don't have an answer, but I know the Lord is aware of my need. He sent a tender mercy my way today. One that was very much needed.

In One Week...

I'll be here. With no computer. Phone in the hotel room. Taking a real vacation.

Radio Silence

I've been lax in updating my blog. But I have a good reason. I'm in the middle of a project that needs tweaking. Since I'm very superstitious, I don't want to say too much until I have an end result. But I'm hopeful. It would be a huge change for me.

Other things that are demanding my time: work, work, and more work. My colleague went on maternity leave four weeks early at the first of May. My boss gave his two weeks notice the first of June. That equates to me doing three different jobs. I went on vacation with my family and had to work every day. I didn't submit anytime off for that week. I've traveled to Los Angeles and San Francisco for work and will be traveling to Minneapolis and Milwaukee next week. Gratefully I have a couple of vacations planned where I will be disconnected. I've told my co-workers that I will be leaving my laptop at work and my cell phone in the hotel room. Here's hoping for relief soon.

Quote of the Day

"Optimism is not so much about feeling happy, nor necessarily a belief that everything will be fine, but about how we respond when times get tough. Optimists tend to keep going, even when it seems as if the whole world is against them." —Elaine Fox, a psychologist at the University of Essex in England

I hope to be remembered as an optimist.