Peace of the Spirit

I've been struggling lately with a very difficult decision. I actually don't have to make this decision right now. But on Friday, a significant change could take place in my life and if that happens, I'm not sure what to choose. I wake up with a heavy heart, confused and uncertain. One moment of the day I hope to keep things as they are. Another moment, I'm ready to move two states away for a new adventure. Both appeal to me. Both will have great rewards. Both make me doubt what is best for me.

Today as I was sitting at work, peace finally flooded my soul. Oh what joy comes from feeling the Holy Ghost. What a miraculous and precious gift! A light in times of darkness. How I've craved the sweet spirit that I have felt the past hour.

I have no idea what will happen. No idea the end result. But I know the Lord is acutely aware of my needs and my struggle. All will be well. Thanks to all for your prayers. They have been a great source of strength.

(Rest of the story: I have a job interview that has gone from application, to first and second interviews, to a fly back in a matter of one week. If I get an offer, I have to choose between a job I really enjoy in a place I'm not too keen on right now and a job that could be good in a place that I've tried to move to for six years. Have no clue what to do if I get an offer.)

Parallel Lives

Today I was reminded once again how similar my life is to a year ago—different situations but parallel in circumstance. Last year on this exact day, the last Monday in March, someone's decision made me mad. Okay not mad. Furious. Outraged. Tasmanian devil, hair on fire, incensed at what had just unfolded. (Someone once asked my sister if she was always happy. She responded, "90% of the time." "What about the other 10%?" "You don't want to see that 10%." That's where I was. At the 10%.) It took me THREE days to calm down! It may have continued longer than that, but the Lord was looking out for me. I was shopping at the Outlets in Park City, standing in GAP, when I heard a voice. "Thamina, either you trust me or you don't." I stopped. What? It came again. "Either you trust me or you don't." I stopped for a second. Realized the simplicity of the statement. Exhaled. And released all anger with that breath. I trusted the Lord. I made some decisions that day that forever changed my life.

We don't get many opportunities in life to have a do-over or a second chance at something, but I found myself in a parallel situation. Someone's actions had an effect on me and I got another shot to "try again." Instead of reacting quickly, I took a moment for me. I thought about what I really wanted, what outcome I was hoping for, and what I needed to do to get that result. I care about this person and didn't want to be mad, even though I had every right to be. I read my scriptures seeking guidance, and I was filled with compassion and kindness as I read about the atonement and the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior (Thank-you Alma!). I knew then how to respond. Still not sure of the outcome. We'll see on this one. But I'm grateful I had a chance to act differently.

Just a Bit of Silliness

That line from Finding Neverland popped into my head as I sat to write this blog post. Often I have very distinct thoughts, feelings, impressions, or whatever you would like to call them. For me they are very real. I question whether or not they come from me or from a much higher power. I would like to brush them off as "just a bit of silliness" but in reality I know better. My very nature creates a sense of urgency to want to act on these and move forward and make things happen. But, as you know, that isn't what I should be doing right now. My challenge and test is not to worry. To place all things in the hands of the Lord. To trust Him completely. For the Spirit of the Lord will always guide me if I listen and obey.

Doubt Not, Fear Not

Right now I should be preparing for an interview with a company that actually excites me. As much as I should be focusing my energy there or even finishing a final project for my other job, my mind continues pondering over thoughts I had while working out this morning. Time to data dump if only to help my mind more fully understand the swirling thoughts.

One of the greatest gifts we receive from our Heavenly Father is personal revelation. Through the gift of the Holy Ghost and the power of the atonement, the Lord is able to direct our lives in a uniquely personal way. Insights, impressions, and instruction come when we earnestly seek the will of the Lord.

In my lifetime, I have had such experiences. Some so sacred I have either never discussed them in detail or never mentioned them at all. Most often they came while experiencing what Elder Holland referred to as our own Liberty Jails. Recently, as I was seeking the Lord's will for me, I once again experienced the sweet divine gift of personal revelation. The topic nor the message is what my mind has been mulling over the past few hours. What stood out to me was what happened afterward.

Opposition comes in all forms. Though I knew exactly what I felt, advice from the world caused me to doubt. I began to cast off the insights, impressions, and instruction. I called myself crazy. I lost confidence. I completely crumbled. What happened? I let others' stories predict my life for me. I let the world's perspective question the knowledge I received from a loving Heavenly Father. I let the adversary confuse me to the point I was ready to forgo all that had been revealed to me.

Thankfully, the Lord heard my prayers and cast the darkness out of my life. As the light flooded my soul, I began to more fully understand the principle of trusting in the Lord. Where doubt and fear, which are the seeds of darkness, are present trust, faith, and hope cannot exist. Helaman 5:41 explains just this. "You must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until you shall have faith in Christ...and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you." And from D&C 6:36: "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." Asking others for advice or seeking out what seems "normal" destroys the very gift of personal revelation. What the Lord speaks to us is far more valuable than anything that we may try to glean from the perspective of the world.

What are my conclusions from all this rambling? First, the Lord desires to impart His wisdom and will for us daily. Second, opposition comes in all forms. Third, doubt and fear will cause us to question that which we have received and believed and lived for. Fourth, having trust, faith, and hope, even if I feel a bit crazy, brings far greater joy and happiness in my life then listening to the wisdom of the world. Fifth, my brother-in-law was right.

Time to grade papers and prepare for an interview!

Gratitude Day 27

1- Eternal Marriage. Today my sister and her fiance were married in the temple for all eternity. The sealing powers we have on this earth create a bright future of hope which promises that if we are true and faithful, we can live with our spouse, children, and families for all eternity. What an amazing blessing from the Lord!

2- Relationships with others. At the reception this evening, I was reminded of how important kindness towards others is in building friendships with everyone. My great-aunt and my dad's cousin both made comments about how much they value the efforts I give in visiting with them. Most people do not know their extended family beyond first cousins and aunts and uncles, but I have had the unique chance to get to know these relatives because I grew up in the same town as them. Having these extended, extended relatives in my life has been a great blessing to me.

3- Angelic ministers. With today being such a busy day and my mind being elsewhere most of the time, I am grateful the Lord is able to speak to others to help me. My aunt related an experience that happened to her during the ceremony that related to me. Her impression lifted my spirits and renewed my hope.

Gratitude Day 14

1- Christmas music. Though you may scoff, it really brings peace to the soul. I love wrapping myself in a blanket, drinking hot chocolate, and listening to the sounds of Christmas.

2- Silent Night. I've always enjoyed this song. However, when I went to the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert with Lucy and Scott a few years ago, I gained a new appreciation. It speaks to me in a way that only "O Holy Night" by the King Singers can rival. But that song will be for another day. Enjoy!


3- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. I never really was a fan of this song. Once again, the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert changed all of that. Ed Herrman's monologue about Henry Wordsworth Longfellow captures the spirit of the song and most importantly, the spirit of Christmas. How I love Christmas!

Tender Mercies

We all have times in our life when we hit a wall and just don't know how to keep going. That is me right now. I'm exhausted with all that has happened the past two years of MBA school. Everything from accounting and finance classes to dating to internships to being engaged to breaking off the engagement to finding a job to getting sick week after week to planning my life. I'm worn out. The past few days I had given up. I skipped a group meeting and watched basketball with a friend and took a nap instead. I let important things slip like reading my scriptures. (This one really is brilliant. I bought a nice set of leather scriptures since my cheap set was quite worn and even had a bout with a paper shredder. My problem was (yes I know this is lame) I wanted to mark my new set but with the "right" colors and pencils and pens with the "right" topics. I hadn't found exactly what I wanted so I put it off day after day.) My actions definitely were not consistent with my values and beliefs.

Today a rebuke came in the form of tender mercies. I woke up not wanting to go to my ward. It wasn't church I was avoiding. Just my ward. I decided to go to stake conference in Gunnison. I walked in and saw my dad who lit up at the sight of me. I needed to see that love. The talks that were given all hit questions that were in my mind. One particular point was the powerful affect of women in the lives of others. Each speaker seemed to say something about the importance of women. I felt very distinctly the need to make a few course corrections to make sure I am a woman of influence, a woman of virtue, a woman of faith. I need to make sure I am lifting and building others and to make sure that the light of Christ is reflected in my countenance. Another point was the power of forgiveness in all its forms. I have made some choices in my life that many attribute as irrational. They don't understand why I have made these choices. The Lord knows and I felt overwhelming peace when reflecting on those decisions. One final tender mercy was the visiting authority. At the last moment the schedule changed and Elder Spencer J. Condie of the Seventy came instead of another member of the Seventy. I connected with a talk he gave years ago. Seeing and hearing him speak today reminded me that God knows me and God does remember his promises. I spoke with Elder Condie after the conference and once again, I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace from the Spirit of the Lord.

This morning I awoke with a weight on my heart and dread in my soul. This evening I feel hope in the future. Hope in the power of repentance. Hope in the miracle of forgiveness and the atonement. Hope in the knowledge that the Lord knows and remembers me. The Lord knew I needed to be in Gunnison today and when I wake up tomorrow, my resolve is to punch through that wall or climb over it or blast it to pieces or something. I won't let the uncertainties of life defeat me. I won't let the easiness of the way slow my pace. I won't let the stumbling blocks trip me. I will persevere because I have the help of the Lord.

PS - I pulled out the old, beat-up Book of Mormon a few days ago. I testify that reading the Book of Mormon daily gives us power to do all things.

AOG - Day 12

1- I am grateful that I recognize when I'm being tired and irrational. Tonight I was feeling the effects of two short nights. On two separate occasions, I became jealous of two different girls. I had no reason to be jealous but that green monster started to creep inside of me. Gratefully, I had some sense left. I realized I was tired which was causing me to be irrational and pushed aside those jealous feelings...almost. :)

2- I am grateful for answered prayers. I heard in a RS lesson to prayer for specifics. Tonight I asked for three specific things. Two happened and I believe the other will come too.

3- I am grateful for my grandma. Grams is fabulous! I love talking with her on the phone and visiting her when I have a chance. I have sweet precious memories with Grams including feeding the ducks, walking along the golf course, getting ice cream, and having Rook tournaments. She truly is an amazing lady.

Waiting Upon the Lord

I have had many unique experiences this past month that have strengthened my testimony in the saving grace of the atonement of Jesus Christ. This post is to reaffirm to all that I have a testimony my Heavenly Father knows us and is involved in the details of our lives; that Jesus Christ is the Son of that same Heavenly Father, is our Savior who suffered in Gethsemane for all our pains and afflictions, and was resurrected on the third day; that the Holy Ghost testifies to us daily if we open our hearts and humble ourselves before the Lord. More than anything, I have a testimony in personal revelation. As we pray, read the scriptures, and daily seek the Lord's will for us, He will direct our paths for good and heal our hearts in miraculous ways.

Gratitude - Day 19

After rereading the threads of gratitude, I realized so much of my life is hidden in the things I am grateful for. Sharing the story behind the posts may help those of you find answers in your lives, just as I found mine.

1. I am grateful for faith. My friend Mel has been an example of faith to me. Her life has been completely turned upside down this year and yet she still exercises her faith in the eternal plan of the gospel. In Alma 32, we learn the fundamentals of faith. One line from this chapter reads "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." My notes in my scriptures read "Learning by faith requires bending of whole soul" and "Faith is the moving cause of all action in each of us." My faith has been tested the past few months and I feel my soul has been bended, twisted, tied, and beaten. It has been hard to move forward feeling so weighed down. But the Lord has sent His angels to me this week. They have buoyed me up, strengthened my resolve, and restored my faith.

2. I am grateful for revelation. One thought that has consumed me is what I want to be when I grow up. To be honest, all my life I have hoped to have a family. That hasn't changed, but the possibility of needing to work, even though I am a wife and mother, is quite real. I came to MBA school with a specific emphasis in mind. Three weeks into the program I felt that direction was not in my best interest. I could complete the work in an HR program but I would not find the fulfillment I was seeking. I have been counseled to gain an education, to study hard, and to seek those things that would be a benefit to my future family. When I switched to marketing, I felt that was the course of action I was to pursue. However, the opposition I have encountered has been fierce. Overwhelming. Paralyzing. Fear of failure has been my biggest foe. Unfortunately, that fear has permeated all aspects of my life. I often feel like a guppy swimming in a lake of piranhas. Intense prayer, pondering, and studying has not manifested any insights until recently. First, I have the skills necessary to succeed as long as I am involving the Lord in my decisions. Second, I love education! Working in a business role in the private school sector excites me. Where is this all going to bring me? Not a clue, but I have faith that the Lord will continue to guide me and reveal to me what he would have me do.

3. I am grateful for eternal perspective. Through tender mercies of the Lord, I was reminded about the real purpose in life. I encountered people who I don't normally see and they felt inspired to share their personal thoughts with me. My questions the past three months are "How can I do this?", "Am I good enough?", "What am I even doing in the MBA program?". What I learned from these individuals is all these things shall give thee experience. My cousin pointed out to me that in MBA school we all sacrifice something: spirituality, social life, physical activity, family, grades, etc. I am performing average in MBA school, which is not what I wanted when I first entered the program. Gratefully my cousin, who knows me well, pointed out that I am sacrificing high grades for something more important: developing personal relationships. In the eternal scheme of life, my grades don't matter. My interactions with people do. So I am embracing this new perspective and leaving my worries in the hands of the Lord. I can do this. I am in the program because there are experiences here that will help me fulfill my eternal role, and I know the Lord will help me every step of the way.

Attitude of Gratitude - Day 3

1. I am grateful for spiritual insights and guidance. A couple of days ago, I felt I needed to check my voter registration. I forgot. So I asked my mom to check if I was registered in Gunnison when she voted. Turns out I wasn't. Long story, my registration somehow reverted back to an address in Provo where I lived before moving to Phoenix. Because of this prompting, I was saved from a four hour round trip trek to Gunnison and was able to vote quickly here in Provo.

2. I am grateful for living apostles and prophets. Bishop Edgley spoke at BYU yesterday about faith. What a powerful and poignant message for me.

3. I am grateful for small and simple things. Last night I was completely swamped with a midterm and family obligations but felt it was important to take a few minutes for someone else. Though it was a small amount of time, the investment was worth the result. We don't need grandiose gestures or blocks of time to show we care. The small and simple things matter more.

After the Story

I have gotten many responses from my family about the below story that have caused me to rethink the events of Saturday. My intent was to tell the story with as much detail as possible because most people like the "girl version" of stories. Apparently this was not the time to start. I was in a precarious situation but one that I felt confident would end well. Never once did I doubt the ending of the story. I felt impressions and immediately followed them. Someone was looking out for me that day and I am grateful for the prayers of a righteous mother and that I took the time to read my scriptures that morning. After I made it to shore, I got back in the kayak with a guy who was very familiar with rivers. We kayaked up into a smaller "hole" and he showed me how they worked. He let me talk everything through that happened and he taught me a lot about the river. That more than anything calmed my nerves. Here is what I learned, my metaphor from the story: I have way too much to live for to give up or to let go of the raft. I will hold on and fight the storm against me. I honestly believe we have trials that test our strength and determination, but in the end we will be delivered if we stay true to the principles of the gospel. Now I may get a grown from the crowd but this is really is a great parable for withstanding the trials of life. We get tossed and thrown in the waters of life. But the atonement and Gospel of Jesus Christ will lead us safely home. And that is all that matters.