Pavilions

My memories of May have thwarted my attempts at updating this blog many times. Even now, I want to skip this month because of the feelings these memories evoke. Here goes.

Interviews were going well and I had a flyback for a job in Charleston, South Carolina the first week in May. I had arranged to fly out on a Saturday so I could spend Sunday getting a sense of whether moving to SC was a good decision for me. I loved visiting this place. But was it a place I should live?

The answer came as I was packing for the trip. I felt restless, uneasy, anxious. I didn't recognize the feelings for what they were. It took traveling across the country to really figure it out, but I knew something was wrong even before I got on the plane. I arrived to the city rather late that day and only had time to grab some dinner before heading to my hotel.

The next morning, I felt sick. That feeling of "What am I doing here?!" and "I'm crazy for thinking I could move here. I'd have no social life!" kept hounding me. I found a local church building and was so grateful it was Fast Sunday. I needed that extra help. I remember talking to a woman in the hallway about why I was in town and I think the combination of my mom being out of the country and me needing just to talk, I ended up spilling everything to this woman. By the time I slowed down and gave her a chance to speak, she summed up all my feelings in one phrase: You already know the answer. And she was right. I knew. But I hadn't figured that out yet.

After church, I drove up to Cypress Gardens and walked around. It was kind of drizzly but I was still able to get some good pictures and have time to think about what I really wanted.

Cypress Gardens

I decided to take a drive into the city and walk around. I was thinking a lot about Elder Eyring's talk from the last general conference about pavilions and wondered what that meant for me. As I was walking along the battery, a couple stopped me. They had just gotten engaged and asked if I would take their picture. An interesting moment happened for me then. I realized the Lord was sending me a message that he was aware of me and what I really wanted in life. I had no guarantee of getting what I wanted, but I knew the Lord would take care of me, and much like Elder Eyring's daughter-in-law, I finally felt peace after months of anguish.

My pavilion moment on the battery; picture is from a trip a few years ago

The rain began falling soon after that and I ran for my car and drove to my hotel. The rain came and came and came and came, etc. I had never witnessed such a thunderstorm. Definitely a tempest tossed sea. The next morning brought blue, clear skies, so I woke up early and drove to my happy place: the beach.

Morning sailboat

Fort Moultrie

Isle of Palms

The interviews went well. In fact, a week or so later they offered me the job. I couldn't take it. I knew that before I even had the interview. So I continued forward with the job search which included a company in Arlington, Virginia. I had always wanted to live in Virginia but chickened out because it was so far from home and family. On the battery in Charleston, I promised the Lord I would go anywhere he needed me to be, that any location was on the table, so Virginia became a reality of that possibility. By the end of May, all that was left to do was schedule a flyback with this new company. They wanted me to go back the week I was on a family vacation so the interview was postponed to the third week of June.

Being silly with work friends

My sister and her husband planned on moving to California soon and I wanted one more visit to Chicago before they left. Gratefully, Memorial Day weekend gave me that chance. We had a great time seeing the city, playing at home, and eating really good food.

wiffle ball+lacrosse+bumper cars=whirlyball

Sisters - Not twins

Love this family

Restaurant entertainment

At the Chicago LDS Temple

Chicago Botanical Gardens

Chicago Botanical Gardens

What's New with You?

I've been in a rut lately. Not the "woe is me and isn't my life miserable" kind of place. More of the "life is good and I'm happy but I feel like I'm missing something" type.

Last July, I started looking for a new job. In September I had a job interview in the Bay Area and decided the job wasn't for me, but kept praying for some type of direction of the "what next" in my life. I had the impression to start traveling to the Bay Area for a social life. I had met some great people that let me stay with them and was able to go out once in October and twice in November. I loved it! I was making some great friends and starting to fill that void in my life. Plus I was able to be the answer to others' prayers.

Then another job opportunity popped up in December. The company was a startup in the Bay Area and seemed like a great option. I flew out for an interview and spent the weekend playing with friends. But I realized quickly this job wasn't for me. It started out being just social media, then marketing automation was added, and after the interview, my potential boss included managing and producing all their webinars. I felt like I was taking a step back to last summer when worked consumed every aspect of my life. So after long thought and fasting and prayer, I turned down the job.

In the midst of all of this, I've also been dating. Not the "dating" that my sisters and cousins joke about, but more like the "I'm dating and it comes with snacks" (Grey's Anatomy quote). I've had more dates traveling to California the past few months than I had here in Utah the past year. Life really has been good and I've grown a lot the past few months. But once again, a few kinks developed.

I realized traveling to the Bay Area was fun but not a lasting plan. Something had to change. I either needed to move there or come up with a more permanent solution. All of this happened at the same time I felt turning down the job was the better plan for me. I've been pondering on my life and seeking answers to my questions to figure out what that should be. In November, I fasted for direction and the response that came was I didn't need to know yet. Just keep taking one step at a time. Recently, I received a similar response: multiple answers will be needed along the way and each detail will come as needed.

Today I decided that I've been too narrow in my scope and too timid in my ambitions. My friends are willing to move permanently to Japan, take a job in remote area in Georgia, and buy a place in Boston without any idea of their futures. I'm still living timidly. To do and be more, I need to be willing to take a leap of faith. So, my job search has expanded drastically to cities across the country. I have no idea what's in store on the dating front because I feel like I'm at a dead end, but I know I have to trust the Lord in this.

As I said in the beginning, I'm not miserable. I'm very happy and blessed in my life. I'm just feeling that something more needs to happen and I'm trying to figure out what that "more" is for me. I'm planning on keeping you who read this updated because I have a feeling, it's going to be an incredible journey with lots of bumps, bruises, and excitement along the way. And with all that emotion, I need to know my family and friends are there with me.

Peace of the Spirit

I've been struggling lately with a very difficult decision. I actually don't have to make this decision right now. But on Friday, a significant change could take place in my life and if that happens, I'm not sure what to choose. I wake up with a heavy heart, confused and uncertain. One moment of the day I hope to keep things as they are. Another moment, I'm ready to move two states away for a new adventure. Both appeal to me. Both will have great rewards. Both make me doubt what is best for me.

Today as I was sitting at work, peace finally flooded my soul. Oh what joy comes from feeling the Holy Ghost. What a miraculous and precious gift! A light in times of darkness. How I've craved the sweet spirit that I have felt the past hour.

I have no idea what will happen. No idea the end result. But I know the Lord is acutely aware of my needs and my struggle. All will be well. Thanks to all for your prayers. They have been a great source of strength.

(Rest of the story: I have a job interview that has gone from application, to first and second interviews, to a fly back in a matter of one week. If I get an offer, I have to choose between a job I really enjoy in a place I'm not too keen on right now and a job that could be good in a place that I've tried to move to for six years. Have no clue what to do if I get an offer.)

Holding On For Dear Life

I love xkcd. I'm a bit of a tech nerd and find their comics hilarious. But they also find a way to capture the human emotion. I find myself facing many decision right now and yet not knowing any of the options. So here I am holding on for dear life as I'm hurtled along life's path faster than I possibly know how to go. Here goes nothing...

Thoughts of the Day

Instead of creating a bunch of different blog posts, I thought you'd enjoy the random thoughts that go through my head each day.

A week or so ago, a guy emailed me on an online dating site. He looked like a nice guy so I responded. We emailed a couple of times until the guy's email last night. He gave me a nickname. Not just any nickname. One I detest. I shouldn't judge him for trying to be flirty, but seriously?! He doesn't know me well enough to shorten my name.

At work today, a co-worker explained that she drank hot water because she heard it was better to drink water that was close to body temperature. Now that just sounded weird to me. Hot water was better than cold water? Does your body care? And wouldn't it require more energy to heat up the cold water which would help you lose weight or even speed up your metabolism? I know I'm not a doctor or nutritionist but random health claims always remind me of my sister. Whenever somebody claims something is all natural, her reply is "So is dirt."

This morning as I was laying in bed I decided I wasn't going to do something. Then as I was getting ready, I had a clear thought that went completely contrary to what I said I wasn't going to do. I should learn not to say "I never" but I did start to wonder. When is it a random thought or something I want to do, and when is it a spiritual impression? I'm over 30. You'd think I'd have that figured out by now, but I don't. I decided that something that clear and specific should be acted upon. Better to act then wonder "what if". However, I'm still not sure on this one.

I found this quote today and thought, "Yes! I'm getting there!" I felt like the spirited me was on the comeback. “The archetypal extrovert prefers action to contemplation, risk-talking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt. He favors quick decisions, even at the risk of being wrong.” I read that after I acted on the thought from the morning. Taking a risk and hoping for the best.

Taking Action

Since most of you are friends or family that read my blog, I thought I would explain my Giving Up post. Seth Godin, a marketing guru, explained, "Action, even ineffective action, is something societies seek out during times of uncertainty." I have felt the need to make things happen. To act and not be acted upon. To make decisions. To press forward. To seek out a better way.

I was feeling that sense of uncertainty and so I set out to make things happen. I became extremely frustrated in trying to make things happen. I was ready to give up. That night at the temple, I realized that having a plan was good but my plan wasn't the best thing for me. The Lord provided insight into what I could do to "make things happen" and to "press forward". Basically, I needed to focus more on the "Don't worry" part of life instead of the "Everything is going to work out" part. In doing that I have been able to make some new friends, find a balance with work and life, and feel less anxious about the future. I am very grateful for a Lord who is keenly aware of me and answers my prayers.

My Favorite Steve Jobs' Quote

Much has been written since Steve Jobs announced he was stepping down as Apple's CEO. Being the social media person on my team, I have read many of these articles. All have similar themes: work hard, play hard, be creative, live your dreams, don't give up hope. One of my favorite articles was from the Wall Street Journal that reprinted Jobs' commencement address at Stanford in 2005. I wanted to share with you the thought that touched me the most.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. --Steve Jobs

Gratitude - Day 19

After rereading the threads of gratitude, I realized so much of my life is hidden in the things I am grateful for. Sharing the story behind the posts may help those of you find answers in your lives, just as I found mine.

1. I am grateful for faith. My friend Mel has been an example of faith to me. Her life has been completely turned upside down this year and yet she still exercises her faith in the eternal plan of the gospel. In Alma 32, we learn the fundamentals of faith. One line from this chapter reads "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." My notes in my scriptures read "Learning by faith requires bending of whole soul" and "Faith is the moving cause of all action in each of us." My faith has been tested the past few months and I feel my soul has been bended, twisted, tied, and beaten. It has been hard to move forward feeling so weighed down. But the Lord has sent His angels to me this week. They have buoyed me up, strengthened my resolve, and restored my faith.

2. I am grateful for revelation. One thought that has consumed me is what I want to be when I grow up. To be honest, all my life I have hoped to have a family. That hasn't changed, but the possibility of needing to work, even though I am a wife and mother, is quite real. I came to MBA school with a specific emphasis in mind. Three weeks into the program I felt that direction was not in my best interest. I could complete the work in an HR program but I would not find the fulfillment I was seeking. I have been counseled to gain an education, to study hard, and to seek those things that would be a benefit to my future family. When I switched to marketing, I felt that was the course of action I was to pursue. However, the opposition I have encountered has been fierce. Overwhelming. Paralyzing. Fear of failure has been my biggest foe. Unfortunately, that fear has permeated all aspects of my life. I often feel like a guppy swimming in a lake of piranhas. Intense prayer, pondering, and studying has not manifested any insights until recently. First, I have the skills necessary to succeed as long as I am involving the Lord in my decisions. Second, I love education! Working in a business role in the private school sector excites me. Where is this all going to bring me? Not a clue, but I have faith that the Lord will continue to guide me and reveal to me what he would have me do.

3. I am grateful for eternal perspective. Through tender mercies of the Lord, I was reminded about the real purpose in life. I encountered people who I don't normally see and they felt inspired to share their personal thoughts with me. My questions the past three months are "How can I do this?", "Am I good enough?", "What am I even doing in the MBA program?". What I learned from these individuals is all these things shall give thee experience. My cousin pointed out to me that in MBA school we all sacrifice something: spirituality, social life, physical activity, family, grades, etc. I am performing average in MBA school, which is not what I wanted when I first entered the program. Gratefully my cousin, who knows me well, pointed out that I am sacrificing high grades for something more important: developing personal relationships. In the eternal scheme of life, my grades don't matter. My interactions with people do. So I am embracing this new perspective and leaving my worries in the hands of the Lord. I can do this. I am in the program because there are experiences here that will help me fulfill my eternal role, and I know the Lord will help me every step of the way.

Being the Driver

When I first started MBA school I declared myself as an organizational behavior/human resources major. My background in teaching had given me the skills to excel in this field. Plus, I liked the idea of training development. Overall I thought I was a good fit. But then school started. I went on the marketing trip to Moab and liked what the recruiters were saying about marketing. My marketing class is one of my favorites: integrating theory with practical application. Most of HR is integrating theory with more theory. We have professional seminars and information sessions where recruiters come in and talk with us about their company and usually a BYU grad/former intern explains what they do/did in their job. My honest opinion is most of their jobs sound boring. I couldn't grasp the idea of waking up and going to that job everyday. VP and senior mangers' jobs sound great but I decided I did not want to be stuck in a job I didn't like until the day I could have their job. And lets face it, I'm still hoping for the whole mom thing. So what to do...? I am in contact with someone at Apple and he described the differences between marketing and HR: What I do think marketing provides is a chance to drive the boat. HR hires the captain and makes sure he has good Medical and a Personal Development Plan, etc, but HR doesn't get to drive. Both roles are important...it just depends on whether or not you like driving! My career assessment I took for the career center also said, "You also have a high interest in Creative Production, one of the core activities in business work. You enjoy bringing something entirely original into existence -- whether it's a product, marketing plan, way of delivering a service, or entrepreneurial venture. Whether you work as a manager, executive, or individual contributor, acting creatively is an important part of your work satisfaction. You find the initial, creative stages of projects much more stimulating than later "maintenance" phase, so a job that may have been a good match at first may feel less and less satisfying over time. In fact, many people with a strong interest in Creative Production change jobs more frequently than other people for this very reason -- not because of an inability to persevere or make a commitment." What does all this mean? I want to drive the boat! So now I am actively pursuing a marketing career, something I never planned on doing, never even considered, but am completely excited about.