I'm back...

well sort of. I realized the last post I wrote was in August and it was kind of depressing. Not me at all. I'm happy to report that the optimistic, full of hope me is back. I think (I hope). I have so much I need to record, but all of my pictures are on my other computer and the battery is dead. I really should start bringing my power cord home if I'm going to use my work computer to play games and stuff. Anyway, I'm off topic. Updates will begin this weekend when I will not be working. Yes. I finally figured out this whole "I have a million things to do for work and can never do them all."

How did I solve this problem? Easy. I crossed off all the things on my list that were never going to happen, and when someone asked if he could help, gave him something that still needed to get done. Next, I talked with my boss about key issues that were bothering me. That wasn't easy. It required a lot of humility on my part to admit I couldn't do everything. She was more supportive than I anticipated. Now the biggest issue still isn't resolved, but both she and I are working on it. Hoping for something good soon. I also decided that if I worked two 12-hour days each week, I could have my weekends. That may seem horrible, but it's made a difference for me. I get a lot done when everyone leaves the office, and I can focus on meetings and group projects when everyone is there. The biggest change I made was shifting my attitude. I realized I could whine and complain about a situation or I could approach each day with a renewed optimism and a determination not to let things bother me. Easier said than done. But it's made a world of difference. I feel a bit more like Nephi "Nevertheless I went forth" than Laman and Lemuel "Grumble in the morning; grumble at night..." I feel more like myself AND I'm loving my job again.

Good things are coming from this change in me and at work. First, I'm taking next Friday off for a weekend in California and a couple of days in October while traveling for work in Boston. Really excited about that one. Yay for being able to go on vacation! Second, working late has given me more interactions with my CEO. Tuesday night I was working late and as he was heading out the door with a group to go to dinner, he shouted out to me that I was invited too. Well, the CEO invited me to dinner. I wasn't going to pass that up. What a great evening! Had so much fun with the CEO, a couple of other execs, and co-workers. New mantra: When the CEO invites you to dinner, drop everything and go. Totally worth it! Third, I'm loving my church calling and the girls. I'm the Laurel adviser. What a fun calling! The girls and I have decided that every 2nd Sunday is treat night at my place. These girls bring such joy into my life. They know I'm busy with work and experienced it the other night when I logged onto the internet at the church building to email something before a deadline and before we took off for the activity. They laughed with me about that, but also understood me a bit more which helped them open up about themselves.

So life is good. Still many bumps. But I'm handling things much better now. More updates on the fun adventures of me coming soon.

No Lasting Regrets

I read this article today and loved it so much. Great lessons to live by and explanation as to why I make the decisions I do. I'd rather fail miserably than wonder what if? about something. I have no idea what is around the corner for me right now, but whatever it is, it's going to be good.

“I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life that others expected of me.”

Many people will go to great lengths to avoid failure. I certainly get this; I don’t like to fail either. However, I hate to be stuck even more than failing.  If given the choice of failing or being stuck, I take failing.  You know why?  Because I believe that I’ll just dust myself off and try again. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just dust myself off…and try again. Rinse, lather, repeat. This is the way YOU need to think about life.  The bottom line is this: failing is not a great feeling, but it’s so much better than NOT going after your dream. At least you’re moving in SOME direction.  In the end, you won’t regret not being courageous enough to go after your dream. There will never be the perfect time to go after what you want— you just have to make right now the right time.

Scariest Thing Imaginable

Whenever something new or overwhelming comes my way, I find myself paralyzed, unable to move. I've had a few of those recently. After talking with my boss a few weeks ago about a frustration at work, I realized I didn't understand the depth of the feelings I was experiencing. I took some time over that weekend to reflect on what was holding me back and realized, after reading an article, that it was fear. The author had asked his audience to tell him their biggest fears. The results astounded me. The most common two fears were quite...contrary.

1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success

After the conversation with my boss, I was assigned new projects at work, something that nobody was working on or had worked on, and I was now responsible for them. Though I was excited about this idea, it also generated quite the internal conflict between failure and success. What if I completely bombed the projects? What if I succeeded, raised expectations, and then failed? What would they think of me then?

I feared failure but the thought of success was just as unnerving. I know. Sounds crazy. But it was the reality I was living in. And I found those same feelings came with thoughts of dating.

Of course, the author also brought up exactly what I was trying to avoid. "In between failure and success lies comfort and mediocrity. Living in comfort isn’t really living at all...Comfort is a feeling that holds us back. Comfort keeps us mediocre." In trying not to fail, I was allowing myself to be average and boring. I was holding on to the status quo. To really grow and become more, I had to take that leap of faith, break out of my shell, and embrace change.

So I'm tackling a few projects, both professionally and personally, that are challenging me. I have no idea how any of this will play out, but I'm trying. I'm plowing forward and doing all I can—which, ironically, in one case is to do nothing. I'm already seeing great results at work. Now, I'm just waiting to see how all this personal stuff plays out. Going to be an interesting adventure but one that will be far more enjoyable than sitting around waiting comfortably in my pseudo-protected bubble. Whenever I'm feeling nervous or discomfort or fear, I remember a favorite movie quote*, strap on my Calvin suit, and face the world head-on.

*"Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable."

Gratitude - Day 19

After rereading the threads of gratitude, I realized so much of my life is hidden in the things I am grateful for. Sharing the story behind the posts may help those of you find answers in your lives, just as I found mine.

1. I am grateful for faith. My friend Mel has been an example of faith to me. Her life has been completely turned upside down this year and yet she still exercises her faith in the eternal plan of the gospel. In Alma 32, we learn the fundamentals of faith. One line from this chapter reads "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." My notes in my scriptures read "Learning by faith requires bending of whole soul" and "Faith is the moving cause of all action in each of us." My faith has been tested the past few months and I feel my soul has been bended, twisted, tied, and beaten. It has been hard to move forward feeling so weighed down. But the Lord has sent His angels to me this week. They have buoyed me up, strengthened my resolve, and restored my faith.

2. I am grateful for revelation. One thought that has consumed me is what I want to be when I grow up. To be honest, all my life I have hoped to have a family. That hasn't changed, but the possibility of needing to work, even though I am a wife and mother, is quite real. I came to MBA school with a specific emphasis in mind. Three weeks into the program I felt that direction was not in my best interest. I could complete the work in an HR program but I would not find the fulfillment I was seeking. I have been counseled to gain an education, to study hard, and to seek those things that would be a benefit to my future family. When I switched to marketing, I felt that was the course of action I was to pursue. However, the opposition I have encountered has been fierce. Overwhelming. Paralyzing. Fear of failure has been my biggest foe. Unfortunately, that fear has permeated all aspects of my life. I often feel like a guppy swimming in a lake of piranhas. Intense prayer, pondering, and studying has not manifested any insights until recently. First, I have the skills necessary to succeed as long as I am involving the Lord in my decisions. Second, I love education! Working in a business role in the private school sector excites me. Where is this all going to bring me? Not a clue, but I have faith that the Lord will continue to guide me and reveal to me what he would have me do.

3. I am grateful for eternal perspective. Through tender mercies of the Lord, I was reminded about the real purpose in life. I encountered people who I don't normally see and they felt inspired to share their personal thoughts with me. My questions the past three months are "How can I do this?", "Am I good enough?", "What am I even doing in the MBA program?". What I learned from these individuals is all these things shall give thee experience. My cousin pointed out to me that in MBA school we all sacrifice something: spirituality, social life, physical activity, family, grades, etc. I am performing average in MBA school, which is not what I wanted when I first entered the program. Gratefully my cousin, who knows me well, pointed out that I am sacrificing high grades for something more important: developing personal relationships. In the eternal scheme of life, my grades don't matter. My interactions with people do. So I am embracing this new perspective and leaving my worries in the hands of the Lord. I can do this. I am in the program because there are experiences here that will help me fulfill my eternal role, and I know the Lord will help me every step of the way.